Monday, February 22, 2010
weighed down by the late night and surviving purely on caffeine, she sat down at the desk, ready for another day at work. its only been 3 weeks and she's just getting settled down into the daily routine of things. she's excited, a little. then, it came. it just took one single moment for everything to change.
all 70 odd of them joined forces and made her life hell. they didnt care what she was going through. didnt care how much she would have to go through. they just stayed there. slowly but surely, she sieved through them all. 23 questions remained unanswered. 23 people she hoped would be kind enough to give her their time. picking up the phone, she dialed the numbers one by one, trying her best to keep herself alive and sound pleasant to the strangers across the phone. she tried.
getting through 16, the day was wearing her down. then she made the mistake that she shouldnt have made. she didnt ask. she just thought. and she thought wrong. she apologizes. hopefully it doesnt come back to haunt her. she cant change it anymore. it was done. then the 17th stranger was rung. it was just a confirmation. but the confirmation was all that took to bring her down. way down. it was going smoothly, or so she thought. but then he asked. he wanted her name. then her surname. then her department. what did she do wrong, she thought. she thought she was doing okay. but apparently not. she was crushed. yes, she made mistakes before in the past, but this time, she thought she was okay. she was not. she thought she could handle it. she could not. she wanted to cry out. she could not. she asked her friends for guidance, for a shoulder to lean on, she was breaking down. they were reassuring, but just brushed it off saying it was no big deal. she couldnt. they joked that he was just flirting or wanted to praise her. she thought no way in hell. they didnt care. it wasnt happening to them. they couldnt understand that she was trying so hard to do everything perfectly. they couldnt understand how much she cared. for all the times that she screwed up already, she didnt want to do so anymore. she couldnt face herself screwing up anymore.
she couldnt hide from the fact. she did screw up. something did go wrong. she wanted to cry. blaming herself for all her failures. all the things that she just couldnt get right. but she couldnt. crying was just giving herself a reason for self-pity. she couldnt let herself show that weakness. she was supposed to be serious. to be reliable. but so far, she has failed miserably. she cant talk about it. she doesnt know how to. and the only person that might want to listen cant. she tried talking to others, they just dont want to hear. its her own fault they say, they wont be responsible. she's trying. god knows she is. she's just horribly lost.
and that, my friends, is murphy's law. pure and simple.
